entering the home stretch

34 weeks

seriously, people--only 6 weeks to go. i've been sailing though the past month, refusing to stress over anything, and telling everyone, including myself, that june is my get-my-shit-together month. it is upon me. i spent my lunch hour today ordering stuff for the baby's room. i have an official registry set up for the shower some friends are unexpectedly throwing for me. i have a plan of attack. what i am trying to do now is quell the sudden urge to repaint the new baby's room. so far, the urge seems to be winning, in spite of the fact that the room is a lovely green that's perfectly acceptable. i long for a light, clear, teal. *sigh*

anyway. pregnancy is progressing normally, in spite of the dire predictions of the horrible death-focused doctor at my practice. it's also not without its concerns, in spite of the pie-in-the-sky doctor's assessment. it's funny how well you get to know these doctors when you are on your second round with them and going in twice a week for tests. if anything is going to make me ill, it's the fact that i am spending too much time there. lol.

anyway, as you all know, i have had high blood pressure since my youth, which means there are things they watch for when you get pregnant, especially if you are 40. they monitor my BP of course, as well as the baby's size, the fluid levels in my uterus, the placental function, esp as related to the variation in the baby's heart rate, my weight, my kidney function, and any tiny signs that i might be becoming pre-eclamptic. well, so far--everything is a-ok. the baby is gigantic, my BP is running lower than it has since i was 16, there's no sign of anything wrong anywhere.

dr. death still talks about stillbirth a lot. dr. sunshine gives me unrealistic statistics for VBAC success and the ability to let nature take its course. dr. reality--the dr. who performed my surgery with the critter, is somewhere in the middle. it's pretty likely that i will end up with a c-section with him again this time. i am trying to come to terms with that, although it's still depressing to me that i am most likely not ever going to experience a natural labor and delivery myself. i am somewhere between the anger and acceptance phases of my grief over this. i keep reminding myself that the healthy mama and baby at the end of this process is the goal. but it doesn't change the sadness at the lack of control and over not being able to let nature do its thing without taking a bunch of possibly unnecessary risks.

anyway. my point here was--i'm feeling pretty good. the baby's doing great. we're sailing into the home stretch. my belly is huge, and once again, it's hard to believe it can get any bigger, though i know it can...

on the down side, i am bone tired. i am getting up probably 5 times a night with either leg cramps or to pee, or both. i have considered naps at red lights more than once in the past couple of days. my gums are so bleedy, it looks like someone has punched me in the mouth every time i brush my teeth. my pants are all falling off because the baby is stealing my ass much like his big brother did.

on the upside--he's a mobile little critter, and i am firmly in the land-sharking phase of this pregnancy. it's comforting really, having all that motion from him--let's me know every day that he's ok in there. i am motivated as all get out to Get Things Done. i have a temp lined up for my leave. i am eating all the cookies i want.

could be much worse.

snakes, snails, and quilts

19 weeks, 5 days

so it's taken me a few days to get around to posting anything, because well--life is busy. and also--hello? i'm pregnant and tired. but anyway. the level 2 ultrasound was last thursday, and it was all good. we're having another boy, which is really bittersweet for me. i am happy for the critter to get a little brother, and i'm REALLY glad to have a healthy and normal baby above all things. but it's hard to let go of the idea of ever having a girl. it was a little bit this way when i found out the critter was a boy, too, but then, there was at least the possibility that we would have another baby. this time, we really hope to be done. so this time, it's really the last chance for a girl. and while i love my boy, and i love the idea of two of them running around together, and while i love the bond that brothers share, there is a part of me that will always mourn the loss of pigtails and dresses and ribbons, and a daughter who might have loved my grandmother's china. this is life, right? greener grass and all that. all of that said--yay for another little boy! i hope he and the critter will be great friends for life like my brothers have been. and also--yay for getting to reuse all those cute and adorable clothes i have bought over the past two years, or at least some of them.

here's what the little man looks like right now:

there were more pictures of him, but these are the most clear. and further, i don't think i need to post the pics of the man parts, even in utero! i will tell you that he spent half the ultrasound sucking his thumb and the other half investigating those parts. there is no doubt that this baby is all boy. lol.

so i've been shopping for stuff for his room, and i've been wholly uninspired by what's availble. it's all either too formal to just too damned blue. i like blue a lot, but man--they really pour it on for the baby boys.i get a little overwhelmed by it. i want more than one color in the room, and i don't want it too pastel or too crayola primary either. tough. the only alternative to that seems to be formal. yuck. so anyway--i've been poking around on etsy for ideas, and found this quilt:

it's from an etsy shop called red staggerwing designs, and i love it! i love the amy butler fabrics in it, and i love that it's blue, but not ALL blue, and green, but not all green, and that it has many colors in it. i pounced on it, and i can't wait for it to arrive. i am going to make a blanket for this new baby boy like the one i made for the critter, but in a lovely dove grey, and i will use these two pieces to start designing a new nursery. yay! and maybe by the time i get around to picking out things like a bumper pad, there will be something out there i like that doesn't cost $400+.

drive-by

17 weeks

i had one of those quickie doctor's appointments this morning. go in. pee in a cup. weigh. let them check your BP. see the doctor for 5 minutes or less. tell him you are tired but ok. he measures your belly. you listen to the heartbeat of the baby within. and that is all.

these appointments in the middle always feel kind of anticlimactic. i think they should just make a machine you step into, stick your belly in, and it can just check the vitals. who needs humans?

the level 2 should get scheduled sometimes within the next few weeks--i have to wait for them to call me to schedule it. that's the part i wish would hurry up!

everything was fine, by the way. kid's growing and stuff.

UPDATE: level 2 scheduled for february 18th. it can't get here soon enough!

antsy

16 weeks, 5 days

hey y'all. i haven't had a lot to say the past couple of weeks about this whole pregnancy thing--all i've really wanted to do is whine about how tired and blah i feel, and there's only so much of that a person can handle before they are just DONE. so yeah--suffice it to say that i'm still not feeling great, and let's just leave it at that.

what i really want to do is DO stuff to get ready for this baby, and i don't feel like i can until i find out whether or not it's a boy or a girl. it's not that i care so much what gender it is--it's more that i want to plan things and start preparing for its arrival. all of my druid-y girlfriends who always seem to be right about this stuff have all separately told me that this baby is a girl. it's hard not to let that affect my thinking, and i admit, it's made me kind of start mentally planning for a girl. however, i know that's crazy, and i'm not doing anything stupid like buying a bunch of pink onesies. i'm REALLY trying not to think of it as one way or another. i have a drive-by appointment with the doctor on thursday, and at that appointment, they should schedule my level 2 ultrasound, at which i SHOULD be able to find out. that's usually between 18 and 20 weeks, so SURELY i will know by the end of the month. can you tell i am a touch anxious?! turns out, i am not so good at waiting.

going public

14 weeks

the doctor's office called this morning with the results from last week's test, and they were good. YAY! what a total relief. so today, we are going public with our baby news. not that there aren't a lot of people who know already (hi y'all), but today the world can know. we're officially past the first trimester, and the odds of any serious problems are very low, so here we go. i just posted an ultrasound pic on facebook, so there's no turning back now. :)

suddenly, it's all salads

13 weeks, 5 days

all of a sudden, all i want to eat are salads--big, mixed vegetable salads with brianna's new american vinaigrette. i made a big salad for a dinner we went to this weekend with mixed greens, hearts of romaine, yellow pepper, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, celery, julienned purple onion, radishes, and a pile of shredded manchego (yay for the coarse microplane grater!), and as i was eating some of it, it's like something in my head snapped. i was so happy to have leftovers! (which i had for lunch yesterday, by the way.) so last night, we were having pasta for dinner, and i made a HUGE salad for just me and the hippie, and yay! leftovers again! i had some for lunch, and i kind of can't wait to get home and have some more. what is going ON here, people?

of course, all this salad craving is not going to stop me from making a cup of tea here in a minute, and having it with this lovely cranberry and pistachio biscotti my friend mark's mother made. mmmmmmmm...

tests and pictures

13 weeks

here are some pictures from today's doctor's appointment. i had a nuchal translucency screen today, which means we spent some serious time on the ultrasound machine. it's a bit of a nerve-wracking test, but so far, our results are on par with what kieran's were, and he turned out just fine. the nasal bone was clearly visible, which is a good thing, and the gap measurement was around 2.2, which is well below the threshold for concern. i'm electing to let these things make me feel better for the next week until we the bloodwork is complete, which will give us our official results and numbers. anyway--there are some good ultrasound pictures to share. more info below the pics.

so in the top picture, the baby is laid back and was being still enough to get some good measurements of the overall size, which is about 7 and a half centimeters. this is about what you would expect at 13 weeks and 4 days, which means either we have the wrong due date or the baby is running a bit big. the critter was running large the whole time, so i am guessing it's the latter. in the middle picture, the kid flipped over to give us a great view of the spine. reassuring. and the bottom picture is a 3D scan of the baby, which i think is awesome because you can clearly see that the baby is pretty well fully formed, even though there's still a TON of growing and developing to do. check out that little ribcage!

in other news, we got to see the little thing kicking its little feet and trying to put its right hand in it's mouth, just like its big brother did. it's already cute even though it's still a bit alien-esque. :)

cravings...

12 weeks, 5 days

when i was pregnant with kieran, i had a couple of weeks where all i could tolerate in the food department was a burger king chicken sandwich (which, by the way, still sounds kind of good), and throughout, there was a whole list of foods that were just on the forbidden list. this pregnancy is a little different. i'm nauseous more, but there's really been nothing i can't eat. my cravings have been quickly moving and ever changing. sometimes kind of nebulous, as in, "i want something asian...hmmm..." and other times, utterly specific, as in, "i need a pack of nabs right this minute, no waiting!" i'm having some now with a cup of tea. divine.

tomorrow...who knows?

in which i whine

12 weeks, 3 days

i feel like crap. i've been feeling like crap constantly for 3 solid days, and before that it was off and on for the preceding couple of weeks. it's making me whiney, morose, even more forgetful, weepy, faint, and just generally terrible for other people to be around. there have been two weeks of vacation, and today is the last day--tomorrow i return to work, where i will not be able to hide the fact that i am pregnant since i am showing pretty obviously and have like 2 pairs of pants i can wear right now. *sigh*

when i was pregnant with kieran, i was a) able to rest more, and b) kind of into the experience of being pregnant. this time i feel worse, am more tired, have less time and opportunity to rest, and have felt generally worse. i know in the end it will be worth it and all, but this part kind of blows. and i feel guilty for feeling this way, you know? there are so many women i know would kill to be in this position and can't be, and complaining about it make me feel like a bona fide shit. but it still sucks--that's the honest truth. i keep having bizarre dreams that don't let me rest at night. my new bo med makes me stuffy all the time, i am nauseated 24-7, i have to eat every 30 seconds, and i just have no energy to speak of. the poor hippie and the poor critter are suffering from lack of attention and focus on my part. it's just all hard right now, even though i KNOW it will pass and that this is temporary.

i guess i am just saying all this here to get it off my chest. i feel like death, and today i am just wallowing before i have to jump back into everyday life tomorrow. bleh.