up and down

10 weeks, 4 days

such a roller coaster.

last thursday, we had a second ultrasound, and a longer, more thorough exam, discussion, and visit with the doctor--dr. z this time. dr. z is one of my favorites, i think because he has a soothing effect on me because he is straightforward and low-key. anyway, the ultrasound was internal this time, so we could actually see what was going on in spite of being on the lesser of their two machines. we could see the skull and where the eyes, nose, and mouth were forming, we could see the heart clearly, we could see the brain where it's forming, and we could very clearly see the arm and leg buds. and best of all, the baby was wiggling and wrigging around, kicking and flailing, which is pretty amazing for 10 weeks. the size is measuring well, and things with its development seem right on track. we even got good pictures, which i will scan as soon as i figure out how.

beyond that part of the ultrasound, i had a full exam, which also all seemed normal, except for the fact that my blood pressure is running on the high side. i've been taking procardia XL, which is a time-released calcium channel blocker, on which i've been doing ok and which is safe to take when you are pregnant or breastfeeding. now, dr. z prescribed a second drug to me called labetalol, which is a beta blocker. i didn't really think to ask too many questions about this second drug, but i wish i had. i am kind of afraid to take it. i was reading online about it, and it appears that it hasn't been all that well researched, and that its effects on a fetus are "not well known". so then you ask--how much worse is the risk from the elevated bp versus the risk from the drug? i am kind of afraid to take it, and i am kind of afraid not to. so yesterday i took it, and an hour later, i was dizzy and my hands were shaking, and i had to sit down. that could be the drug, or something else entirely. when i took the second dose later in the evening, it seemed ok. *sigh* i just don't know what the right thing is here. i feel like i should just trust the doctor, but at the same time, i don't want to ignore my gut feelings either. i just want to know more.

in other news from that visit, dr. z is the first medical professional (besides alyce, who is unofficial) who has asked me what i wanted to do with regard to delivering this baby. he's the first person to mention a possible vbac. and here's the thing. i could try it, and they would let me. however, 2 of the 4 doctors i am seeing have already pushed hard for a scheduled c-section because they believe i will develop the same set of circumstances with a second delivery as i did with the first. i am not sure i agree, as the second attempt would not involve pitocin (the devil's drug) in any way. they will not induce you after a c-section because of the intensity of the contractions, and the possible effect of that on the scar tissue from the surgery. so if i went late and/or started to look like i might become pre-eclamptic, then they would perform a c-section then rather than induce. if i choose from the get-go to have a c-section, then they schedule it on the early side, about a week before the due date. dr. z was pretty frank about my chances of success here, which are less than 50%. what a tough call and what a lot to think about! there's a strong argument for electing to have a scheduling c-section too, in that we could have child care set for kieran, have some control over which doctor performs the surgery, etc. i don't have to decide this right now, of course, but it sure is on my mind.

anyway--all in all, that last visit to the doctor's office made me almost believe in this pregnancy.

i've been spotting off and on ever since. not a lot. not bright red. just barely if you want to know the truth, but that's more than enough to keep me nervous. i will be so utterly relieved when the first trimester is past and when the nuchal translucency screen is past (january 7th) and when the results are back and are good (we fervently hope). as with the last pregnancy, we are hoping that the NTS results are so good that we don't feel the need for an amnio. i fear the risks the amnio brings, and do NOT want to have one. but we'll see--one test at a time.

until january 7th, we wait, we try to have faith, and we start thinking about baby names. for some reason i feel like this baby is a girl, maybe because i feel so very different than when i was pregnant with kieran. for one thing, no vomiting at all. i am more tired, and feel a more generalized malaise, but i am only truly nauseated at night. i am nearly narcoleptic in the early afternoon. i can't sleep past 6:30am. it's just different. plus my two friends who seem to always get this stuff right both separately told me it was a girl. so maybe it is. i don't need it to be a girl--i just need it to be healthy and normal.